My name is Ruben van Rensburg and I’m currently an intern at HOFMI in Witbank, but my journey getting here has been interesting to say the least. I would have to track back and take you back to pre-Covid, it was a time where I wasn’t close to God at all.

Growing up I never really had a relationship with God, I only saw going to church as something to do in order to be a ‘good person’. Me and my whole family were hopping from one chrurch to to another often as we never felt a connection to any of them, and as time went by we went from going to church to watching church services on TV every Sunday to barely watching anything Church related at all. I was so far away from God that I was living a life that was only driven by my own wants and ambitions. This went on up until midway through 2022 when my mom started coming to HOFMI as she grew tired of seeing our family being attacked by the enemy in almost every aspect of life, and my mom was the only person to still pursue God even when the rest of us stopped all together. After a couple of weeks went by my mom invited me and my younger sister to come to at least one Sunday service, I remember her saying,”Just come to one Sunday service, and if you don’t like it then I won’t ask, plead or convince you to come any longer.” So I went just to keep my mom happy knowing full well that I’m not interested in going at all, but I remember as I walked into the church I had felt something different than what I had ever felt at any of the previous churches I went to growing up. It was at that point that I felt in my heart that this is something that I don’t mind spending my Sunday morning on. With every Sunday that went by I experienced more joy and peace than what I had ever felt. Initially the messages that were spoken never really connected with me, but as the months went by I started to connect with it.

So fast-forward to 2024, I had just matriculated from Jeppe and went on to study at Wits and play at Lions in order to pursue rugby as a career. It was a year filled with ups and down from a rugby and studying perspective, but I was enjoying it so much that it started consuming me to a point where I got desperate in succeeding at getting my first professional contract at Lions, I would try to get it by ANY means necessary. I was very convinced that I would get one after having a successful season in the U19 Currie Cup when we beat the Bulls in the final winning the competition. Afterwards a couple of weeks went by after going back to Wits for pre-season in preparation for the 2025 Varsity Cup season. Towards the end of pre-season I found myself in a good space mentally and physically where I felt that I was a favourite to be picked as a regular starter in the upcoming season and that led to me actually not really wanting to take the 3 weeks we were given off due to feeling that I was on a good roll. That was mainly because I felt so confident in my preparation that when we were asked to make goals and aspirations for the 2025 season my goals were to make the Junior Springboks squad and get a contract from the Lions, and it made me dread coming back home for the Obedience services we were going to have with pastor John, pastor Sharon and pastor Christi. The first couple of sessions were tough for me because my mind was still in JHB as I was sitting in church listening to pastor John. That was until one morning session when he spoke about the world being very performance driven, and that God is the exact opposite meaning that God doesn’t want people living a life where you constantly chase after things with a mindset of getting better and improving. That really struck me in the moment because it made me look at what life I was living up to that moment where I was constantly comparing myself to other people in the rugby space and pushing myself to the limit physically in order to become better than them. I spent that whole day just looking back at my life in general because my whole life was performance driven since I was 6 years old, competing in athletics striving to become the best in everything I partook in up to the final I played against the Bulls. After that session the joy and excitement of playing rugby started to fade as the days went by with the services we had, this was due to the sessions we had with pastor John where he mentioned that God isn’t doesn’t necessarily involve himself in performance driven aspects of life like sport. But the one that made me really debate whether the choices I was making were the right ones was when pastor John preached about humbling yourself, giving your life to God and obeying him whenever he calls you to something, after that I was at war in my mind because my heart was telling me that I should act on what he preached about but my mind kept on reasoning with me that I have a bright season up ahead.

As New Year’s eve came around I remember getting down on my knees next to my bed praying to God saying,”God I realised that my whole life I’ve lived chasing my own dreams and ambitions, but today I want to put my life in your hands. If my future really is in rugby then could I get the breakthrough season I’ve been dreaming of, but if it isn’t could I just end it off on a good note where I was.” My reason for saying that prayer was because leading up to the final Obedience service the love and excitement I had for rugby had faded drastically. The day afterwards I was meant to go back to JHB as we were going to continue our pre-season that coming Friday, and as I was busy packing my bags and getting my things ready in order to go I suddenly got the feeling in my heart telling me not to go back, so I only told my mom about the prayer while we were going grocery shopping. Initially I didn’t think anything of it because I’ve had days like that before where I didn’t want to do things I enjoyed doing and that after a day or two at most that feeling would go away as the joy came flowing back, but this time it felt different. A week went by with that constant feeling of not wanting to do anything that just stuck, and it bothered me a lot at the time because the activities or drills we used to do that I enjoyed changed as I hated doing it and just wished for the time to go by quickly so that I could just go back to my room. It got to a point where I always saw a training session as ‘2 hours that I just have to push through’, or that I would try and think of excuses to make and send the coaches in order to miss a training session. By then I knew something was definitely different because I’ve never been a person that wants to make excuses for anything even if I didn’t like doing it. As the days went by that feeling I had in my heart telling me not to be there just kept on getting stronger and stronger to a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore, when I went back home I had a discussion with my parents regarding what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through, both my parents were in agreement that they’ll support me 100% in every decision that I make. So I just spoke to my coaches explaining to them my situation and not wanting to continue which led to me leaving in what I believe to be on a reasonably good note.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m not pursuing the life I’ve been dreaming about since I was a child, because I’m allowing God to guide me in my life because he’s got a future planned out for me which will be better than I could’ve ever made for myself.